By Jan Miller - August 1999

In many families it is not the habit or practice to express encouragement, appreciation or closeness to one another. It seems in families it can be one power struggle after another. This takes the form of criticizing each other and withholding positive feelings. Family members may feel hurt, angry, worthless, uncooperative, and isolated.

The Family Council offers a way to create and support healing relationships in our lives. It offers a way for family members to participate equally regardless of age or experience. The Family Council offers encouragement and respect for each individual’s journey. A place where the members can feel safe to bring their concerns and ask for ideas and support for the places in their life where they feel stuck. The Family Council provides opportunities for expressing positive feelings for one another and aids in the development of a language to express our feelings for one another and to provide support and encouragement.

The following is an outline of the Family Council that our family used during our years of family life with our children. Our Family Council initially met every couple of weeks then finally as requested which was more often on a monthly basis. We met to discuss concerns, problems, holidays or any big changes that would affect our family. The format we evolved was based on the Encouragement Council by Bruce A. Schneidman 1977 and the Family Council by Kleona Rigney MD and Raymond J. Corsini Phd., of the Family Education Center in Hawaii.

Our outcome was to create a family where members treat each other with respect, each member feeling part of the family and having responsibilities as part of living together in a cooperative, pleasant way. An atmosphere of friendlessness, kindness and love exist naturally in this kind of family.

The Family Council is a place to solve family or individual problems and to know the family is committed to helping each other with any conflicts or problems that are being experienced. This is a place of trust and exploration. Everyone is committed to a positive outcome. Everyone has an equal vote and in our family we didn't move to any action or resolution until we had unanimous agreement. Nothing was invested in less than total satisfaction of all members.

Our Definition of a Family Council

It is a regular meeting of all members of the family that want to attend. Its purpose is to take up family business such as:

- Giving information

- Making plans

- Establishing rules

- Expressing complaints

- Settling quarrels

- Coming to agreements

- Making decisions

The meeting is an open forum in which everyone in the family can express his/her ideas, opinion, or complaints without interruption. Because there are regular meetings, those in the family who have problems and complaints learn they can wait until the meeting comes and at that time they can speak their minds; this eliminates quarrelling and arguing during the week. All problems can now be handled in a spirit of calmness and reasonableness.

Method

1. We as parents discussed and agreed the family council would be a useful method to use in our family and made a commitment to adopting it.

2. This concept was presented to our children and all agreed to give it a trial period.

3. The family meeting was between members of the family and was between equals who are treated with respect.

4. Each meeting had a chairperson and a person who took minutes, recording any new rules and agreements.

5. The chairperson set the time and place for the meeting and reminded the family members of the pending meeting.

6. The role of the always rotating chairperson was:

- to set the agenda

- to choose the starting and closing exercise

- to keep the meeting in order and to move members through the agenda topics in the allotted time period (determined at the beginning)

- to start the meeting on time

- to make sure no one interrupts the speaker and that turn taking is observed (in giving an opinion in any discussion or joining the discussion)

- to make sure the next chairperson and note taker were in place before the close of the meeting

General Rules for the Family Council

1. When a person had the floor they were not interrupted until they finished.

2. No one was forced to attend. Attendance was voluntary (our family did not meet unless everyone was ready to be there).

3. Decisions were made only when everyone was satisfied and all agreed.

4. All decisions could be changed at the next meeting. If something didn't happen or didn't work out as agreed there was no place for recrimination.

5. If the previous agreement just didn't work, the family moved on to creating a new solution (like a no-fault insurance policy).

6. Anyone could leave a meeting at any time. In our family only once in 12 years had a family meeting end because a member left (we did not continue unless all members were present).

7. Anyone could call a family meeting at any time.

8. Any topic that a family member put forward was addressed.

9. Membership was expanded, if all in the family agreed, to include people who were temporarily living with us or if there was a special request to include someone.

10. Each meeting started with a round robin using an open-ended sentence that was said for and to each member of the Council. The sentence was chosen by the chairperson. The following are examples of the kind of sentences that were used:

* Something I really like about you, -----, is -------------

* Something you did that I really appreciated this past week was ----------------

* Something I like about myself when I am with you is--------------

* Something I appreciate about this family is ----------------

* Some things I noticed that we as a family has improved on is -------------

* Some things I enjoyed doing with my family this week was ---------

* Something I would like from you ----- is ---------------

* -------- is something that we do as a family together that makes us closer to each other

* -------- is something I would like help with this week

The meeting was closed in the same way it was opened using one of the above sentences or one the chairperson made up.

Suggestions for Family Council Meetings

- During the meeting family members are asked to drop their differences and demands

- Participation is voluntary

- Children of all ages can participate

- Meetings have an agreed upon starting time and ending time

- Members are encouraged to use 'I' language and speak from their own perspective

- All perspectives are given serious consideration and respected

The Family Council, although an old idea going back to the origins of mankind or at least back to mankind's ability to communicate, naturally fits into the psychology school of thought known as Individual Psychology. This school, developed by the famous psychiatrist Alfred Adler, is based on some simple comprehensive notions such as:

- we understand people best by knowing their goals and their private logic

- all people want to improve themselves and strive for a higher state of achievement

- normality and happiness is a function of finding one's place in society and contributing to it

- all people are equal

The idea of the Family Council was developed by Dr. Rudolf Dreikures, one of Adler's students.

Families can build their strengths by encouraging and appreciating each other through this special type of meeting. Alfred Adler [1976] says: "Only when each member feels a sense of belonging will there be a feeling of unity. Each member needs to feel confident that he/she is a respected member of the group.”